When I’m wearing make-up I look like Groucho Marx on video chat.
Bill O’Reilly got fired from Fox News which is great for humanity, but now what will Bert watch while he eats dinner?
My puffy coat smells like dogs.
Today, I discovered that the open door on the side of a building I pass on my way to Grand Central that says “Subway” leads to the subway.
One-size-fits-all leggings are the pants version of a skinny mirror.
I can’t remember my password for Oulipo, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have an “e” in it.
The song “Bad Stuff Happens in the Bathroom” from Bob’s Burgers has been stuck in my head for the past eleven days.
It turns out that I can kill a wasp using only a sliver of cardboard and an aerosol can of Febreeze room spray.
People who don’t run their toothbrush under water before putting toothpaste on it are sociopaths.
I miss Reno 911.
I’m not looking forward to warm weather, but I will say that when the time comes, it will be nice to wear shorts and have no one tell me how much the sun costs.