The Best Kind of Saturday Evening

julie warshaw

it's seafood, dammit

Me: I can’t even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed your crab dip.
Mariel: That makes me happy. It makes me happy that you enjoyed my crab dip.
Me: I did. I really did. And it makes me happy that it makes you happy. That was some first-class crab dip; first-class.
Mariel: Dude, I selected only my prized crabs to feed you. They were excellent crabs.
Me: They were. They were prized crabs. And they were tasty. (I saw the crabs less prized…and they were sad, those crabs.)
Mariel: Southern crabs usually don’t place first. That’s fine. I was worried you wouldn’t like them as much as my “scrimps”. I know you love my “scrimps” so much.
Me: I do. I do love them scrimps. It’s like the shrimp/crab version of scrunchie/banana clips. Delicious. And Alarming. Delarming.
Mariel: Equally alarming, yet wonderful; the ever fattening Taco Bell/ Pizza Hut/ KFC fast food hybrid. Equally disturbing. Equally delicious. Like my crabs.
Me: Were your crabs featured on the value meal of a highway off-ramp fast food establishment, there is minimal likelihood of my gastrointestinal system hosting said crabs (which is what gastrointestinal systems do with highway off-ramp seafood…)
Mariel: Believe it or not, yes!! The last, standing Long John Silver’s, off of exit 32, on Okeechobee Road, has featured my crabs, semi-annually. (Unlike my spelling skills, which have not been featured anywhere. I’m sorry Mrs. Ribotzky.)
Me: We here at are happy to know that your sad crabs are gaining notoriety at highway off-ramp seafood joints.

(This is where we’d post Miss Mariel’s crab dip/scrimp recipe. Unfortunately for us, she has pulled it together adequately enough to post neither. Sorry.)

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