The sexual harassment panda sees you, loves you and wants to touch your genitals. (No no, it’s OK. He’s going to get you a scholarship and modeling contract.) Why are pandas such notorious child molesters? Perhaps it’s because they’re born incognito. They’re just sweet, white teddy bears…wearing big, scary, burglar masks. Panda bears are going to rape you and then eat bamboo until they fall asleep. Oh, sure, they’re cute. But that’s only because the National Wildlife Foundation is a giver, not a receiver. Everyone wants a panda on their eco-friendly canvas bag, until it’s last call and the lights come on. Where’s panda, then? I’ll tell you where. Standing in line for a taxi. And does panda get said taxi? No. No, panda doesn’t. Because no one wants to give a fat white bear wearing an old timey burglar mask a ride home. No matter how much bamboo he throws at them.