parker is alive and nobody raped me in the parking lot

julie warshawIt’s all about the Benjamins. But what if Ben Franklin’s first name had been Francis? Would it be all about the Francises? And why wasn’t his first name Francis? Francis Franklin is quite catchy. His mother had no imagination.

Everyone loves my cooking. They love it because my cooking lacks creative vision, so I make popular food items really well. I know my way around a grilled cheese and every single one of the sweet souls who’ve had the privilege of biting into one of my toasted cheesy masterpieces can attest to my skill. I have mastered the grilled cheese in a way that’s offensive to other dishes. One bite of my signature sandwich and none other will suffice. Which is a damn shame. For you. I don’t make grilled cheese very often; it’s kind of a pain in the ass…

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