your ass looks fat in those pants

julie warshaw, julie warsaw

these pretzels are making me thirsty

I appreciate the enigma of Skinny Jeans. Their very label conveys the impression of a small, delicate wearer. Women in dressing rooms are occasionally heard exclaiming, “This top would look GREAT with my Skinny Jeans!”. These women are lying. That top looks terrible and their Skinny Jeans are a size 18. So I ask myself, at what point do Skinny Jeans become Tapered Denim? Personal experience has proven that the effectiveness of Skinny Jeans has less to do with the jeans themselves and more to do with how they fit the wearer. My Skinny Jeans are a size four. They sag blatantly in the butt and hug my ankles enticingly. There is not a shirt on the planet that looks good with them. I’ve caught them taking money out of my wallet. They litter. My Skinny Jeans are evil; they send hate notes to children and shake down old people. They’re licking your flatware while you’re at work. And do you want to know the worst part? My Skinny Jeans don’t care.

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