petroleum is fun!
life is great and everything is awesome.
thoughts. today’s edition.
i love Little Dog’s smell
cable loves you and wants you to be happy
but why are there so many people here???
Bert & Patty Get Their Passports
being a kid is the worst
leftover meat – skin deformity
I Would Take It in the Face
You Look Really Good in Pictures that aren’t of You
judge a book by its cover
Because I’m an Athletic Guy
it’s a friggin’ mountain
Untreated Adult Attention Deficit Disorder is A Pretty Lady Who Smells Like French Fries. Who Drove?
Two Days in a Row. Power Balls.
a coworker who agreed my office smells funny got me perfume for christmas
Parker doesn’t like peeing in the rain
WOMEN ARE FUNNY
It’s Thanksgiving and Everybody Loves You
wrinkle in time
2nd Hand Rose
life would be so much easier if i were a violent sociopath
facebook is a sexist motherfu…
Big Daddy Wants the Money Up Front
my little grandoody
fat little piggy fingers
under the hill
i’m ok, you’re ok
your money’s on the dresser, chocolate
no crust for you
mostly a list of things i don’t like
i’m out of checks
ryan barker has no imagination
i don’t like anything
something about an anemic ninja
boil water? what am i, a chemist?
i flat out refuse to put a chicken coop in my bathroom. not again.
i was saved by batmand & batman
my shot at Olympic gold
facebook is my sex-change
ADT can blow me
the anti-feminist movement
it has different “conclusions” that you can “jump to”
you were tagged in this post with 47 others
undateable in the summertime
the curious masochist
a mission statement for charity
the grandkids are happy and the little one don’t cough as much
in the final analysis
not quick enough
quick, grab that towel
it’s almost like mooing
you’re better looking in the 90s
IS THERE A DIFFERENCE
that’s because it’s the men’s room
you’re welcome, scott bakula
the disturbing sounds of a bird loving his water dish
it’s partly an expression of my teenage angst, but mostly it’s a moo-cow
the saddest potatoes
stop drunk-dialing your grandma
i’ve had better
parker, stop licking the couch
PLEASE DO NOT CLOSE FAUCETS TIGHTLY
happy belated birthday, enrique iglesias
stop naming your kids weird crap
cable killed my mother and raped my father
call your mom
don’t forget to say thank you
it’s all in the delivery
does your mom know who stephen hawking is?
milkin’ the cow! milkin’ the cow!
by the way, my name is kevin, you’re reynoldo and we’re very much in love
it really is, alllllll about the food
why is my hobby what i do for a living?!?
“i didn’t know that 1800 was twelve o’clock”
50 Shades of Annoying
parker is alive and nobody raped me in the parking lot
truman capote didn’t get a pbs special
Nick Swardson is Friggin’ Hilarious
it smells like farts
…and congress replaces parliaments
Is there a pay phone around here? I just got beeped
i think roy needs a corndog
tell katy perry to stop
you’re a fascinating man, George Costanza
you are who you eat
publix spotlight of the week
too much sun
like a car accident that keeps happening
spam tastes like people. but only if you seasoned them right.
you have access to every piece of information available and you’re reading this?!
shoot the messenger
the best presents are the ones we give ourselves
Yajaira thinks that’s stupid
enemy of nature
i’m a writer dammit, not a poolman
a full fridge
don’t puke on my parade
eight heads in a duffel bag
13 laughs a second
kiwi coasters and onion dip
A Shakespearean Sonnet Extolling My One-Sided Love for an Archaic Acne Medication
you do it, too
like eating clam chowder in the back seat
the worst kind of revolution
some days are better than others
in case of emergency
she ain’t what she used to be
the guy behind the guy
i have a fun-cussion
better ingredients, better pizza
humility is the happy medium between vanity and self-loathing
if the world owed you a beer cozy, you wouldn’t have to bring your own.
a liberated woman of the nineties
i’ll take cat puke for 800, alex
this is not a parenting blog
Questionably Lazy: Where Did Mike Go?
the new-ish Christian Slater vehicle on ABC is pretty terrible
oh, this has gotta be the good life
i have missed having a ladies’ room
the sauce really is the boss
Appearance, Users, Tools
most things are something
no mayonnaise is good mayonnaise
too little, too late
sleeping without the enemy
for the first time
ralph. as in puke.
kelley blue book value of a 2004 honda civic and a week at the 4 seasons
what else could you be doing?
junk food variety pack
if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
your ass looks fat in those pants
it’s not mayan; it must be urine.
your food wants to be inside you.
blink and you’ll miss it
under the influence. a good one.
The Grammar Rebellion
sacrifice ain’t what it used to be
not me. i’m just like everybody else.
it’s easier than collecting stamps
please don’t let this be the flu
cheese puffs and cashews
a lot can change in 13 years
the perfect christmas